Ask Nicole: Practical solutions to everyday parenting challenges

-By Nicole M. Young, MSW

Raising kids is incredibly rewarding—and possibly the hardest job you’ll ever have. Whether you’re a parent, a grandparent or other caregiver of a child or teen, chances are you’ve wished for support and guidance at one time or another. I know I have.

This column provides a forum for sharing parenting questions and suggesting practical solutions that strengthen family relationships. This month’s topics include maintaining a close relationship with a middle school-aged daughter and promoting peace between bickering siblings. Keep reading to get practical tips and ideas based on the world-renowned Triple P Positive Parenting Program, available to families in Santa Cruz County. If you have a question for next month, please email me at triplep@first5scc.org.

Dear Nicole,

Our daughter is in 7th grade and my partner and I are having a hard time staying connected with her about life at school. We know her social life is very important to her, but asking too many questions makes her withdraw. I’m concerned that if we don’t do something, we won’t be able to be there for her when she really needs us. How can we stay close with her?

-Heather, Soquel

Dear Heather,

First, you and your partner are not alone on this issue. This is among the greatest challenges that parents often face. For many teens and pre-teens, relationships with peers are extremely important, yet often complicated and drama-filled. And teens are often reluctant to talk openly with their parents because they worry they will be judged, corrected or lectured.

Consider the timing of when you want to connect with your daughter about what’s happening at school and in her social life. For example, you may feel compelled to ask her questions when she gets home from school or after she’s been out with friends. However, that might be a time when she just wants to relax and needs space. If this is the case, try creating a special time to check in before bedtime – even if it’s only for a few minutes.

When you talk with your daughter, ask open-ended questions rather than questions that can easily be answered with “yes” or “no.” When she talks, try to resist giving your opinion immediately, even if you feel that you can help her. Letting your daughter talk openly will encourage an environment in which she can share more with you. If you can, depending on your other responsibilities, host her friends at your house and take advantage of opportunities to drive for carpools. By simply being present, you and your partner can create a deeper bond with your daughter—and that bond will help you on the day she really needs you.

Dear Nicole,

I have a son and a daughter, ages 5 and 8. They used to act loving towards each other, but now their main form of communication is bickering. My wife and I are constantly trying to get them to stop, but it feels like we have to separate them every five minutes. What can we do to help our children get along better?

-James, Ben Lomond

Dear James,

This is an important and complicated topic because sibling relationships can be very dynamic. One minute siblings can be cuddling on the couch, and the next minute fighting over who has more of the blanket.

While each sibling relationship and family situation is different, there are several things you can do at home to help facilitate more peace. The first tip is to give your children descriptive praise or acknowledgement when you notice they are getting along – “You’re doing a great job sharing your toys.” When this type of descriptive praise is given regularly, it will shift the whole family’s attention to the positive communication you’re seeking. 

Another tip is to look at the communication that happens within the family. What is the communication like between you and your partner or between siblings or other family members? If your children hear other adults bicker frequently, that could influence how they relate to each other. The more they experience positive communication among adults in their lives, the more they will learn how to communicate with others in a respectful way. 

Lastly, spending quality time with each child is a great way to prevent the problem. Bickering may be continuing because your children know it will get your attention. Spend some one-on-one time with each of your children every day – even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time – and provide your undivided attention to each child. This will make each of your children feel special and give them the extra connection and attention they may be seeking.

Nicole Young manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P - Positive Parenting Program, the world’s leading positive parenting program. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. For more information, including classes and one-on-one meetings to help parents handle everyday parenting challenges, visit triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or www.youtube.com/triplepsantacruzco. To get a copy of the Triple P Pocket Guide for Parents, the Pocket Guide for Parents of Teens or to find a Triple P class or practitioner, contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.