It’s easier to escape from parenting “traps” than you think

Being a parent is the most important and challenging job many people will have in their lifetime. Though most of us try our hardest to be a good parent, sometimes we fall into one or more parenting “traps” that can seem impossible to escape.

Parenting traps can leave you feeling frustrated because you’re not getting anywhere with your child, your child’s behavior is embarrassing or you are losing your temper often and too quickly. Do any of the traps below sound familiar to you?

The Perfect Parent – Feeling the need to do it all perfectly, rather than competently and with love, leads to frustration and guilt. Perfect parents don’t exist. But great parents do exist.

It’s All My Fault – Closely related to “The Perfect Parent” trap, this one is about feeling required to be in control of your child’s behavior at all times and then assigning blame to yourself every time something goes wrong. It’s extremely difficult to be calm and consistent as a parent if you’re blaming yourself for problems.

The Martyr – When parents neglect their own needs, they end up feeling unhappy and resentful. Being a martyr does not lead to quality parenting. The most successful parenting comes when adults invest time in themselves, as well as their children.

The Negative Parent – Frequent power struggles with your child often feature perpetual criticism of the child’s behavior, constant threats about consequences and a lot of yelling. This trap rarely produces good behavior in children.

The traps above can result in parents feeling overwhelmed, discouraged and stuck. It doesn’t have to be this way. Escape is possible—and can even be easy. Here are some strategies you can try right way:

Have realistic expectations of yourself, your partner and your child. If you make mistakes, acknowledge them and learn from them. Make sure what you’re expecting from your child is age appropriate, and do not expect perfection.

Make time to enjoy your child’s company and have fun together. Play together every day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. It’s easy to get caught up in the demands of work, school, chores, etc. Spending brief, but frequent, time together can make a world of difference.

Each week do something you enjoy, without your child. If you have a hard time making this happen, start with something small but meaningful. Though it may sound counter-intuitive, it is easier to take care of your child if you’re also taking care of yourself.

Parenting is not the easiest job to take on. In fact, for most parents it’s the hardest job you’ll ever have. But it can also be the most fun and rewarding job. Most of us fall into at least one parenting trap at some point. But escape can be easy and often can be accomplished through a few small changes that can make a big difference.

Nicole Young serves as Acting Executive Director of First 5 Santa Cruz County, which administers the Triple P - Positive Parenting Program. Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. Triple P is scientifically proven and is the world’s leading positive parenting program. For more information about Triple P, including classes and one-on-one meetings to help parents handle everyday parenting challenges, visit triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or www.youtube.com/triplepsantacruzco. To get a copy of the Triple P Pocket Guide for Parents or find a Triple P class or practitioner, contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 831-465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.